It has been more than a month since I made a post. I thought when I started a blog that I would have so much to say. Then all of a sudden, I couldn't think of anything very interesting about my life. At least not interesting enough to blog about. I spent about 19 years working on a big project. What? I cannot be exactly specific about that but I know it was important. Maybe it was a multitude of things. Maybe I was just going about the business of life, hoping to maintain a mix of normalcy with the flexibilty to throw in some random excitement every so often. I am just left now with this feeling that I was working feverishly towards something that should now be finished and standing before me to be admired.
Whatever I have been busy with over the course of raising children and developing a career has now come to a very evident lull. I feel as though this is the moment I have been working towards all this time. But there is no aha moment, no idol to worship and really not even a finished project to sit back and gloat over. I just feel like my project has been completed.
I am in no way complaining. I do not feel a loss nor do I feel empty in any way. I am relieved and content with what has transpired. I feel hope for what is to come now and that whatever it is will be up to me and not led by my obligation to care for and assist other people in my life. At least not to the extent that it was. My children are self sufficient and my parents have a few good years left in them. I feel confident in my job and my marriage is a happy, fulfilling one.
So I am a little boring right now. I organize things. I think of hobbies to do and then enjoy them in my head. I watch documentaries. I sit around with no radio or tv on because I like to just listen to the silence. I prefer the small, cozy space of the smallest room in my house to going out. I treasure and am even a little miserly about my time alone. Sometimes when I am home alone, I stay up super late because I know when I wake up tomorrow the fun starts all over again and just for right now I am loving the dull.
I am thinking this is the normal transition of things. This too will pass. This is nature's way of allowing me rest before the second half of my life begins (i.e. grandchildren, aging parents, my advancing age!). I am loving this time in my life. I am feeling calmer and happier than ever. Maybe a little bored, but I am not rushing out to remedy that. I think I will languish in my boredom for a while. Stop and smell a few flowers, study a few clouds and stars, and take some more time to contemplate my future.
