My Busyness

It has been more than a month since I made a post. I thought when I started a blog that I would have so much to say. Then all of a sudden, I couldn't think of anything very interesting about my life. At least not interesting enough to blog about. I spent about 19 years working on a big project. What? I cannot be exactly specific about that but I know it was important. Maybe it was a multitude of things. Maybe I was just going about the business of life, hoping to maintain a mix of normalcy with the flexibilty to throw in some random excitement every so often. I am just left now with this feeling that I was working feverishly towards something that should now be finished and standing before me to be admired.
Whatever I have been busy with over the course of raising children and developing a career has now come to a very evident lull.  I feel as though this is the moment I have been working towards all this time. But there is no aha moment, no idol to worship and really not even a finished project to sit back and gloat over. I just feel like my project has been completed.
I am in no way complaining. I do not feel a loss nor do I feel empty in any way. I am relieved and content with what has transpired. I feel hope for what is to come now and that whatever it is will be up to me and not led by my obligation to care for and assist other people in my life. At least not to the extent that it was. My children are self sufficient and my parents have a few good years left in them. I feel confident in my job and my marriage is a happy, fulfilling one.
So I am a little boring right now. I organize things. I think of hobbies to do and then enjoy them in my head. I watch documentaries. I sit around with no radio or tv on because I like to just listen to the silence. I prefer the small, cozy space of the smallest room in my house to going out. I treasure and am even a little miserly about my time alone. Sometimes when I am home alone, I stay up super late because I know when I wake up tomorrow the fun starts all over again and just for right now I am loving the dull.
I am thinking this is the normal transition of things. This too will pass. This is nature's way of allowing me rest before the second half of my life begins (i.e. grandchildren, aging parents, my advancing age!). I am loving this time in my life. I am feeling calmer and happier than ever. Maybe a little bored, but I am not rushing out to remedy that. I think I will languish in my boredom for a while. Stop and smell a few flowers, study a few clouds and stars, and take some more time to contemplate my future.

What I Learned

Sometimes I chastise myself for taking the easy road and becoming a teacher. Isn't that what everyone thinks? When I was in college and majoring in business, I scoffed at the assignments of my friends in the college of education. What? You are making yet another bulletin board? Last week I spent 40 hours researching, evaluating and restructuring the marketing department of a major corporation! I was going out into the world and becoming a career woman. I was going to travel the world. I was going to wear designer clothes with heels to camouflage the fact that I looked 15. Wait, I am getting off on a tangent.

My point is deep down I was a little envious of their bulletin boards and their passion for something that seemed selfless. When the opportunity presented itself for me to begin teaching, my response was I wanted to do it so I could be with my own children each day; but I didn't really like other children in general. Next to motherhood, teaching gave me the biggest blessing in my life. The relationship formed when teaching a child, the exchange of eye contact and yes, the affection received from young children when I present them with new experiences brings about an immediate love affair.

Back to my opening statement; it is not an easy road. Teaching takes a greater emotional and physical toll on my life than any other thing I have to deal with. It is harder than being a mother to my own children, harder than keeping up with my own household duties and takes more emotional and physical energy than being a good spouse. In teaching and caring for young children, I am often their primary disciplinarian. More times than not, this has been minimal in their life for any number of reasons. Not only am I presenting discipline to them for the first time, but also to their parents. To many each year, I am a social worker intervening in family and ethical situations and making decisions that I often feel inadequate to make. Love and affection are in short supply in our culture and nurturing acceptance of others has been my primary goal as a teacher. I teach four year olds, (on purpose), because I believe nurturing is my strength and this is the age to best offer that.

I don't intend to make teaching sound so gloomy. In college I wanted to be a woman on the move with a challenging life. Well, I am definetly on the move. And everyday is a new challenge. The challenges are greater than any other I could have imagined. They make my job worth going to everyday and my life about something other than me. There is always something new to learn, something everyday to laugh about, something everyday to cry about and something to celebrate.

Then and Now

I am happy to be entering this new stage in my life. Starting this blog is just one more totally new adventure. Sharing my thoughts and experiences in narrative form is not something I have ever done before, but I plan to do a few things off the "never done before" list before I kick it. Last weekend I travelled to Las Cruces, New Mexico to visit my childhood friend. Susan and I have known each other since we were eight years old. Let's see that is....pause for some 8 year old math.....43 years! Two other friends from elementary school went with me, Christy and Cindy. We see each other now and again, but for many years we did not. Susan and I have always kept in touch, visiting over the years when we could fit it in. Unfortunately, I had lost track of my other friends except for the occasional word from family or accidental meeting somewhere. However, about two years ago it became very important to me to renew old friendships. I am so glad that I did. I love these women with an acceptance that I have felt for few others in my life since my youth. We laughed at the same jokes all weekend, listened with warmth to each other's stories, and felt pride in each other's children. I was surprised that we were all still so similar. I was surprised that we were all so smart. I was surprised that we were all so happy. I was surprised that we weren't closer when we were young. I was sorry we had let our friendships lapse. I was sorry that we would probably just go home and meet again in another year or so and continue our relationships just the way they are. I was sorry we weren't 15 and carefree again, available for sleepovers every week, able to eat whatever we wanted, free to shop with someone else's money and not have to spend countless minutes trying fruitlessly to fix our hair! Oh, wait, that was just me!

What did I know at 15? Friends are truly the flowers in your garden. This is not just a cliche. You should spend time tending to them daily and nurturing their growth. Without them, the scenery around you is just not as attractive. Beauty is missing. Some are annuals, some are perenials. Some are century plants that bloom only every now and again. I forgot this for a while, I thought I could live without and my life could be like a desert oasis and some snakes, lizards and a few prickly cactus blooms would be enough for me. This can be beautiful but not fun to touch. What have I learned at 51? There are lots of varieties of flowers, real flowers, that like to be touched, picked, looked at lovingly, watered, admired and nurtured. I hope I don't forget this again.